Funeral Wishes: Why It Is So Important to Think About Them, Write Them Down and Share Them
Talking about our own funeral is something many of us naturally put off. But taking a little time to think about what you would want, writing your funeral wishes down and, importantly, telling someone about them can be an incredibly helpful thing to do for the people you love.
At AB Walker Funeral Directors, we have been supporting families across Berkshire and South Oxfordshire for 200 years. One thing our funeral arrangers see time and again is how reassuring it can be for a family to know what their loved one wanted.
In this four-part video series, Mel, an AB Walker Funeral Arranger with 8 years’ experience, talks about funeral wishes, the conversations she has with families and why she is so passionate about encouraging more of us to make our wishes known.
In brief: why are funeral wishes important?
Funeral wishes are a record of how you would like to be remembered and what you would like to happen after you die. Writing them down can give your family guidance when they are making decisions at an emotional time. Wishes might cover whether you prefer burial or cremation, the type of funeral you would like, music, readings, flowers, donations, clothing, transport and what should happen to your ashes. Most importantly, once you have recorded your wishes, make sure someone you trust knows they exist and where to find them.
Video 1: Why should we talk about our funeral wishes?
WATCH MEL: WHY FUNERAL WISHES ARE IMPORTANT
For many people, starting the conversation is the hardest part.
Thinking about your funeral does not mean planning every minute of the day. It can simply mean giving the people closest to you an idea of what feels right for you.
Would you want a traditional funeral or something more informal? Burial or cremation? A religious service, a celebration of life, or perhaps a simple cremation without a service? Would you want people to wear black or bright colours? Is there a particular song that simply has to be played?
These choices are personal, and there is no right or wrong answer.
What matters is that your family has some guidance. As Mel explains, knowing someone’s wishes can provide reassurance at a time when relatives may otherwise find themselves asking, “What would they have wanted?”
Video 2: What should you include in your funeral wishes?
WATCH MEL: WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR FUNERAL WISHES
Your funeral wishes can be as detailed or as simple as you choose.
You might want to think about:
- Burial, cremation or direct cremation
- Whether you would like a funeral service
- Where you would like the funeral to take place
- Religious, non-religious or multi-faith elements
- Favourite songs or pieces of music
- Poems, readings or prayers
- Flowers or charitable donations
- Who you might like to take part
- What you would like people to wear
- The type of coffin or funeral transport
- Personal touches that reflect your interests or personality
- What you would like to happen to your ashes
- Whether there are particular memories or stories you would like shared
It does not all have to be decided today. Funeral wishes can change as your life changes, so think of them as something you can revisit rather than a document that must be completed once and never altered.
Video 3: Why writing your funeral wishes down makes a difference
WATCH MEL: WHY YOU SHOULD WRITE YOUR FUNERAL WISHES DOWN
Having a conversation is a great starting point, but writing your wishes down gives your family something they can refer back to.
MoneyHelper recommends writing down what you want for your funeral and telling someone where those wishes are kept. This is important because even the people closest to us may remember conversations differently.
You can include funeral wishes in your will, although it is sensible to keep an accessible record elsewhere too. Your family may need to arrange your funeral before anyone reads your will.
Your wishes do not necessarily need to be complicated or formal. A clear written record can provide valuable guidance.
At AB Walker, we can talk you through the choices available and help you record your funeral wishes.
Video 4: The most important part: share your wishes
WATCH MEL: WHY YOU SHOULD SHARE YOUR FUNERAL WISHES
Writing your wishes down is only useful if the right people know they exist.
Tell a partner, family member, close friend or whoever you expect will help arrange your funeral. Let them know where the document is kept and consider giving them a copy.
This does not need to become a difficult or sombre family conversation. You might be surprised by how naturally the subject develops once somebody starts talking.
It can even prompt conversations about favourite music, memorable places and the things that really matter to you.
As Mel has seen throughout her 10 years supporting families, those details can become incredibly important when the time eventually comes to create a funeral that feels genuinely personal.
Funeral wishes are about giving your family guidance
Recording your funeral wishes is not about taking every decision away from your family.
A funeral is also an opportunity for the people who knew you to come together, remember and say goodbye in a way that is meaningful to them.
Instead, your wishes give them a starting point.
Knowing that Dad definitely wanted to be cremated, Mum wanted a particular song played, or a loved one wanted donations to their favourite charity rather than flowers can remove uncertainty.
And sometimes it is the smallest details that mean the most.
Are funeral wishes legally binding in the UK?
The law does not generally make funeral wishes legally binding. However, clearly recording and sharing your wishes can give the people arranging your funeral important guidance about what you wanted.
This is another reason why talking about your wishes is so important. Rather than simply writing something down and putting it away, share it with the people who are likely to be involved.
For further independent guidance, MoneyHelper provides useful information about planning and paying for your funeral.
You don’t need to plan everything at once
Perhaps the most important message is simply to start.
You don’t need to choose your coffin, decide every piece of music or know exactly where you want your ashes scattered.
Start with the things you do know.
“I’d like to be cremated.”
“I don’t want everyone wearing black.”
“I want that song played.”
“I’d like donations to go to my favourite charity.”
“I want people to celebrate rather than be too formal.”
Those few sentences could one day make a significant difference to someone trying to make the right decisions for you.
Talk to AB Walker about recording your funeral wishes
AB Walker has been helping families arrange meaningful funerals across Reading, Caversham, Tilehurst, Woodley, Wokingham, Bracknell, Maidenhead, Thatcham and Henley-on-Thames for generations.
You do not need to have experienced a bereavement to speak to us. Planning ahead can simply be about understanding your choices and making your preferences known.
FAQ’s
You can include as much or as little detail as you want. Common choices include burial or cremation, type of service, music, readings, flowers or charitable donations, clothing, funeral transport, who you would like involved and what you would like to happen to your ashes.
Funeral wishes are generally not legally binding. However, clearly recording and sharing your wishes can give the people arranging your funeral important guidance about what you would have wanted.
Keep them somewhere safe but accessible and tell at least one trusted person where they can be found. You could also give a copy to a family member or the person most likely to arrange your funeral. Do not rely solely on instructions contained within a will, as it may not be read before funeral arrangements begin.
If you would like to understand your options, record your funeral wishes, discuss funeral choices or learn more about a pre-paid funeral plan, our experienced team is happy to help.
Thinking about your wishes today can make things clearer for the people you love tomorrow.
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